Conversations
These are the different threads -
[TOC]
Conversation is a low level process. It determines your success in all other areas perhaps with the exception of process-self and stay healthy. Because we are social animals. And conversation is how we can strengthen and deepen our social interactions.
Key Messages:
- Process Steps - Listen | Ask Question | Map the conversation
- Prior to conversation - Prepare for it!
- Best application - Manage Resistance
More about Map the Conversation -
- Find common ground
- What matters to the other side
Problem Space
We confuse between conversation and communication
There is a difference between conversation and communication.
Conversation is exploration in the Problem Space | Opportunity space | Solution space - but it is still tentative. You ask questions, you listen, you map the flow in your own head, to make meaning out of it. It is aligning of minds. Speaking the same language.
Communication is more definitive. It is tell. You want to reach out to others with what you have decided or intend to do. You may still share your criteria and say that you are not yet decided, but you are staying it in a definitive way.
Communication is more likely level up or level down. It is more formal. Level up can be between service provider and customer. Between supervisor and doer. Even senior and junior.
Conversation is more amongst equals. Even where there is level up or level down - a conversation happens when the level up party is willing to accommodate the other party as an (almost)equal or equal with conditions -apply
Missed opportunity for conversation after communication
When you are interacting with a Level Up, there is usually an opportunity to transition the communication into conversation. Example - Q&A session after the coffee Talk. Example - Lull in the meeting after boss has shared stuff. Ditto for customer.
The opportunity may be explicit. It can also be unstated. Pray while smoking versus smoke while praying.
Sometimes the opportunity has to be found by reaching out, while the iron is still hot. You have to come across with the right attitude. Curious. Willing to Learn. Respectful. Long term credibility (he always asks questions and never does anything about it versus when he asks questions he successfully takes action and does constructive things). Actions speak louder than words for both Level Ups and Level Downs. Not just a one way street.
Your own respect and integrity has to be intact. You can not have a next conversation, if you become a yes man in this conversation
You are going to be shortchanging yourself, if you are becoming a yes man in the conversation. See benefits from opportunities and problems that conversations can solve.
If you are about authenticity and you believe that a conversation should be amongst equals - you can misunderstand what your Level Up may be willing to do, in the name of conversation.
Your Level Up may also be about authenticity but may be balancing it with other factors (See compelling reasons, why your Level Up, may not want to converse)
Being aware of process is important. The process does not care what is being talked about. It cares about when and how.
The Level Up may still be in communication mode and not conversation mode. There can be compelling reasons for doing this.
The Level Up may not want to step into conversation because -
- too many people
- too formal a situation | platform
- saving face - for self | others | own supervisor
- no space to explore open ended because of external constraints
- this is a call for alignment
- stakes too high
If the level up is not process savvy - you can not assume that just because you say ‘conversation’ it is now conversation. Also the words conversation and communication are our constructs. In reality they may use some other words. This is also not something that is talked about much. So figuring out, when it is OK to converse is important.
You may have to lead your Level Up to understand that conversation and important and that you are willing and wanting to do it on their terms - but it is important for your relationship to do so.
Your Level Up may grant you status as an equal only for so long (bank account of your credibility and his goodwill runs out, till you refill it again for a next time).
Stopping short of it - keeps your balance with least withdrawals.
If you don’t understand when the time for conversation is over and it is back to compliance then you may not be able to have a conversation at all next time.
This is not rocket science. How we interact with parents - authority figures at one moment and loving equals at another - is no different. We somehow assume that we can do both, when we are at the workplace. Yes there has to be more formality and what liberties you can take can only be found over time and according to the cultural context - but never the less, there is always space for conversations.
If it is in your interests to have a conversation - you can always have a conversation - especially if you can position it as something that is in your Level Ups best long term interests or it is the (morally) right thing to do!
Conversation is not easy. It requires you to be authentic and courageous and put yourself out there. It is still worth the risk and the extra effort, because of the benefits it offer. Some things can not just be done without conversations. And (later) there are opportunities from willingness and ability to get into conversations.
All organisations strive to do more with less. If you are not able to achieve critical mass. If you need resources, pre-requisites or support. If you need handholding in how. You have to involve others and your superiors. They may not be receptive but you have to make them aware (without turning this into a confrontation or an ultimatum).
You can only do this with a conversation. If you are not even talking to each other, then it will only lead to subsequent breakdown or compliance followed by excuse making later on. You will also miss out on an opportunity to partner with your boss.
People have their own reasons for doing | not doing things. How do you persuade them to your point of view?
Logic does not always work. You will not have formal authority in most situations with customers and with peers. Does that mean you are totally helpless and at their mercy?
When you are Level Down - and in the beginning when the stakes are not so high - this is a great time to learn the skills of managing resistance.
Get your boss to put himself in your shoes. You can only do this, if you are willing to put yourself in his shoes.
Put yourself in your service provider’s shoes. You may be better able to come up with solutions to constraints that are outside both of your controls.
Get your customer to talk about his customer. You will be able to serve him better if you know his why’s
feedback need not happen only at appraisal time. You can seek inputs and what and how for self improvement not only from supervisors but from just about anyone
this is your self-created mechanism for nudge and nurture and will make you more self aware. Self aware means higher EQ and more effective in relationships with others over time.
when you share information in constructive non-threatening and non-compete environment - you can leverage on it together for collaborative outcomes
more eyeballs. more ears. better sensing. Delphi method. Seeing patterns. Alignment for subsequent action because everyone sees it.
Conversations -
IsIndicator
You don’t know what to say. An uncomfortable silence can come from being angry or so emotionally charged that you are a loss for world. More likely, because you are simply shy. You could be in awe of the other person.
When silence extends beyond a time, then we become uncomfortable with it. We try to fill it by doing something else, by moving away and even by speaking out the first thing that comes to the mind. This is also an opportunity to take the conversation to the next higher level.
As an indictor, this comfort is easy to detect. Not only are we uncomfortable but our minds are racing to figure out what to say next. Chances are you will recall reading this and say to yourself, let me try out the uncomfortable silence experiments.
IsTempFix
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practice often on all available opportunities - Low level process - at part with GTD - practice practice practice mindful mindful mindful
Attend workshops | training programs | conferences in this fashion. Go with a partner. Have a process - key — pre-process and post-process
IsThinkAbout
Feedback loop between Asking questions and Thinking improves quality of subsequent questions (thinking while listening can impair, need to watch out)
Skill to do this gets better over time, making you better at it. This serves all your other objectives since this is a low level process.
Mark forster - creativity is about asking questions (and processing them) and asking questions often. And creativity is the other part of personal process as far as productivity is concerned (see book and improve this)
That this is the wall that you want. Judgement. Preference. Choice.
IsDoExperiment
These notes below still need to be incorporated into the structure -
Lessons from Camera Movements to Frame Questions
Support for Questions
• With Mapping
• With Hypothesis generation
Applications
• Managing resistance
• Appreciative Inquiry
• Reviews
• Crucial conversations
• Growing Checklists from Meta Checklist
Training Wheels
• 2 people doing it in the beginning
• Different types of questions and relevance based on expansion | contraction
• Use of Silence
• Questions for continuing | finding more
These notes below still need to be incorporated into the structure -
Make yourself open and vulnerable
Suspend CPU processing for generating next answer
• Work in pairs in beginning if required
Resist the urge to defend yourself immediately
• Take short / quick notes
Give thought upfront to what you want cover in the meeting. Convert it to a mind palace. Then you do not have to think about it while listening
Listen for what is said and what is not said (having given thought to what you expect will be said, constitutes preparation)
Map what is being said - on paper
• See patterns
• practice while listening to talks
Shield yourself from psychic intrusion while opening yourself up
Assume that the other person is not out to get you | exploit you.
Ask questions to clarify
• Tell me more
• To give you time to think
• To give you time to form your hypothesis and test them
Listen respectfully
• Conversation will last longer
• People will eventually only remember that you cared | listening is your visiting card for that
Shaping narrative. With my story.
Finding my Tribe
Finding my Truth
Moving when there is not urgency
IsAskOthers
Mapping | also sketchnotes
Linked to managing information - external brain - do not reinvent wheel | keep doing alaap only
Partnering to split the cognitive load | also helps motivation | also provides shared language to take the construct further. Deepens awareness.
IsLearnMore
These notes below still need to be incorporated into the structure -
Thinking happens better in fertile grounds | Ground that has been tilled before | is tilled often | Thinking is like a muscle that grows stronger with use.
It is ok to make mistakes. In trying to be perfect always you miss out on opportunities | vulnerability | ability to fail | topper syndrome
Be aware of thinking biases all of us humans have. Work with them constructively
• Recency bias
• Book: Think fast Think Slow
• Book: Climbing everest krakow
Delphi method removes some biases | important to keep refreshing your group from time to time
The power of nunchi - Rosa Escoda
Check out the book -
IsHabitIdea
Interact – with colleagues, seniors, customer | customer facing staff, support staff
Learn the context - Listen, Ask Questions, Reflect
Your questions show your maturity and grasp to others. So listen first.
Your questions also show your authenticity and curiosity. So don’t delay asking questions. Just ask good ones
See yourself in 3 ever widening circles for interaction
#1 You with yourself – reflect
Build a larger context map on a huge paper for your personal consumption, covering people, ideas, issues in your role and keep it privately updated
See Barter Bank Below
#2 You with 4-5 other friends, in the same team – informal collaborations to learn, to do personal projects
This is your ‘set’ from here on. You can – and should - modify your ‘set’ as you go along.
#3 You with your larger team – reach out, get to know, get them to know you
See them as future work partners, even if they are in some other team, at the moment
Authenticity for yourself - Treat yourself as valuable
Respect for others – Respect should not depend on seniority, stature or immediate usefulness
Currency 1 - Genuine appreciation | Currency 2 - Curiosity
In this beginning, if you have more time, do more of this
These notes below still need to be incorporated into the structure -
Asking questions is key tool for nudge, without taking away respect
(Thinking, post-reflection) - See patterns and connections for yourself that will help you to improve by learning from mistakes of others
Key to incremental planning and collaborative action